We don’t realize that our days could be so volatile.

Yesterday, I didn’t sleep at night but had a perfect beginning to my day. And then suddenly, some was said which brought me down (for few seconds only). It led to this –

All this while, I kept thinking
you could see my cracks
and you stayed away
to not want to plaster them.
But I didn’t realize,
you weren’t repulsed by the cracks
but the fact that I was standing
despite them
and not lying broken on floor.

But because I am in a much better place than where I used to be few months back, I let this go, like I do with almost all things. Letting go has been my only option.

I slept during the day peacefully, content and positive that this day would be nothing but perfect. And then suddenly my pyramid of responsibility started shaking. I had a what you call a professional disaster. I know there is no point obsessing over it because what’s done is done. But I still can’t grasp, how quickly things can go wrong and this scenario being one of the low intensity wrongs.

As always, I turn to you for comfort though. And now this is where I stand –

I’m never alone in this one man place,
where I create thoughts no one can see.
Because you are so rooted so deep inside it
that all the chaos my thoughts create
can barely touch you –
you stay there, firm and alive and standing.
The world may crumble around me,
but I know you won’t,
atleast not inside me,
atleast not this version of you.

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I still remember distinctly
sleeping with my ears on alert,
knowing that you are out there
and in all kinds of danger.
I remember opening my door
ten times in the night
and breathing an inaudible sigh
in pin drop silence outside.
Each time, over and over again
I learned that I could feel
helplessness and relief,
together in the same breath.

© seekingmypeace

The main reason
I ever allowed myself
to love you
was knowing that
I could never hurt you,
never ever never ever.
But I did,
in my stupidity,
I broke your trust
and I made you regret
and now, how can I ever
look at myself in the mirror
and say
I deserved to love you?
I simply can’t.

©seekingmypeace

Nights are easy,
for they come with
a sense of tranquility.
The fears melt into darkness
because I learnt to embrace the dark
long before the shadows started appearing.

But, the days are tough,
for they are a constant reminder
that the dreams are not a part of my reality.
The cushions I used to help me sleep
are just accomplices to the inner demons
who prepare to haunt, after a peaceful sleep.

© seekingmypeace

For the first time, I saw how tiny I am in your eyes. I have failed to earn any respect, recognition, love, wonder or anything in you. And I am writing this because I need this written somewhere so I can re-read this and remember this. It’s important for me to fully let go. The only thing I am super super glad about is that my feelings have been conveyed ( I was still unsure till yesterday!). I am glad you know how I feel about you – that will never change, that can never change and it gives me a lot of relief to know you heard that. I am not saying that you don’t value me as a person in your life, but I saw my true value in those eyes – it was really really tiny. And I am not even sad because this only helps me accept things more easily. But… But I don’t know.

I love you with all my heart and might. I love you.

Gaps

There are gaps,
everywhere,
so many of them
that my mind is searching
always
for where they came from.
It places them constantly
to my failures,
to my passions
because it fails to believe
that one person,
that I never even had
to begin with,
can leave so many potholes
in this shadowy dump
I call my heart.

© seekingmypeace

Tough nights

I just need you and them
to stop invading my dreams.
I’d love to have you over,
even have the dinner ready
but they, they seep through
each of my wounds
and play around in the flesh
until blood pours out again;
I don’t know how much longer
can I keep losing blood
and patching up the old wounds,
how much longer can I
beg my demons to protect me
and not sleep, peacefully, again.